5 Ways to Ask for Help and 5 Reason Why You Should

Today I read an article on some parenting site that made my heart sink. The general gist was the author could not and would not ask for help in the wake of giving birth. This new mom may not have meant to come off sounding like she expected the rest of the world to understand her needs and meet them without having to ask for help, but that's exactly how it sounded. The most telling remark was her admission that her "control issues" wouldn't let her ask of others what she so desperately needed - HELP!

I remember the early days of parenting my one newborn baby and how I felt the world should just "know" what I needed. I felt like I was drowning and everyone else should see my needs and meet them. I realize now that was incredibly immature and self-centered way of thinking. My friends, my family, my community, even my husband couldn't read my mind! They had no idea what was going on in my head - to be honest neither did I.

Well, three babies and one adoption later I have LEARNED to ask for help. It didn't come easy because I'm not a delegator , I'm kinda a control freak, and I don't want anyone else to see my inefficiencies. In short, I want to seem like the mom that has it all together. NEWS FLASH: NO MOM HAS IT ALL TOGETHER! And the ones who do are the ones who have learned they need each other to make it work!

So you don't know where to start and your at a loss for how to even begin being vunerable enough to ask for help. Here's 5 ways to begin giving up control and living in the freedom of true community:

1. Embrace your inefficiencies! I don't know where we got this idea that we have to be and do EVERYTHING. No one has every skill under the sun. In fact, the most successful people realize they have one or two specialized skills and run with them. Successful people are people who appreciate the gifts of talents of others and are not jealous of them. When you realize the gaps in your own personality and giftedness you give others the opportunity to love you well.

2. Ask for help with what you hate! You know what I hate? Cleaning my bathroom, folding my laundry, putting sheets on my bed. You know what I'd say to someone who came over to my house to visit my baby and ask what they could do for me - "Change my sheets, switch my laundry, clear the dishes out of my sink." I'm a horrible organizer and I have friends who are awesome at it. I'd ask them to organize the changing table, or put away some gifts I've gotten in efficient ways. I'd have them take a garbage bag full of clothes to Goodwill or fold my husband's underpants.

3. Ask for help with things you love! I love being around people and drinking coffee with my friends. After so many babies my friends know the absolute best thing to do for me is bring me a coffee and sit on my porch and talk to me. They text me encouragement and they pray for me. These are the balm to my soul that I've asked for and my friends have answered with! They know, if the day is bad, all Katie needs are words of encouragement.

So what do you love? Movies, music, TV, sleep? Let your friends provide that for you. Ask for a Blizzard, or a RedBox, how about an hour of cuddling the baby while you sleep? Everyone wants to cuddle your baby and by month 2 of non-stop contact, you will probably want to sleep or take a shower without that kid!

4. Take people at their word! One thing my husband has taught me over the years is to not let people BS you. He's much nicer about it, but really he means, if someone says something - believe them! If they say they want to clean your bathroom - let them! If they want to let you take a nap - okay! If they want to bring you a meal or do your dishes or clear your dishwasher, or bring you coffee, or take your big kids or help you in ANY WAY - LET THEM DO IT! If they didn't really mean it in the first place, they'll learn their lesson, and if they did, then you've just killed two birds with one stone; you've gotten something done and you've proved to yourself that your friends there for you!

5. Keep a running list of practical things you need! When we brought our son home from China I had a little list of things I need from the grocery store on my counter. When a friend texted me saying she was running to the store and did I need anything, I promptly replied, "baby carrots". She texted right back, "done. text me 10 more items and I'll leave them on your front porch." Because I was prepared I knew just what I needed and 30 minutes later there was a bag on my porch. When you become self-aware without the self-pity you're able to say what you need and not feel bad for it. I once made a friend wait outside the grocery store in her van beside my van watching my kids while I ran inside to get breast pads. All because she asked "what do you need" and I said, "I need breast pads, and I want to get them myself."

Know this, your friends and family are not trying to trick you. They don't want to catch you in a need so they can say "Such-and-such is soooo desperate right now!" They want to help you! They want to love you! They want to show you how exciting they are for your life change.

There are a millions reasons to ask for help and accept the help offered to you. Here are 5 of the best:

1. Your Spouse! Guess what? Your spouse loves you, and he kinda misses you. You are not the same after having a baby. You are emotion, hormonal and pouring all your love into a little human he doesn't know very well. While you're trying to hold it together to keep up appearances, he's trying to hold it together for you - picking up little pieces of you along the way.

If your spouse is not around, physically or emotionally, let me just say I'm so sorry. Give yourself extra room in this area and allow your family and close friends to love you all the more through this time. Don't try to tough it out on your own, you will make yourself crazy.

If your spouse is around but feels distant, may I suggest it's because he just doesn't know what to do. There is no manual for a postpartum wife. He is experiencing as much change as you are and he needs your support as well. Lean on each other, ask what he needs and tell him what you need. Don't make each other mind-readers - you both stink at that. Be honest and open and help foster your post-baby marriage.

2. Your Friends! The best friends I have ever made have been my post-baby friends. I am certain of one thing - we would not be so close had we not needed each other so much. We needed advice and playdates and venting sessions. We need the gifts that each other has that we don't. We need each other to watch our kids and bring us meals.

We love to do this for each other because there is an intense fellowship that happens when you are vulnerable with each other. We love each other because we know each other's weaknesses and strengths. We've built bonds on our needs and we each love each other more because of those needs.

If you don't have a group of close friends to lean on try a few different sources: parks and playgroups, church, bible studies, book clubs, or library story times. Reach out to people in your spheres of influence and begin with being the friend you'd want to have. You'd be amazed how many people just want what you want.

3. Your Other Kids! Your kids don't need you to be strong they need you to be real so that when they're 26 and drowning in diapers and formula they know how to reach out and ask for help. Do them the great service of showing them that we all need each other, and it only makes our lives richer to help and ask for help as well. Plus, they'll probably get some fun playdates and new friends out of the experience as well.

4. Your Self! Uh, duh! Not only will you get your needs met, you will also learn A TON about yourself. Asking for help has a way of stripping us raw. We realize our need for others and that's uncomfortable. We also realize that others are willing to meet our needs and love us just as we are. All of these revelations are at once freeing and humbling. But we should be humble - and we're made to be free.

5. Your Future! The more you express your need for help the stronger a community will rise up around you. You will be amazed the things you are capable in your life once your support system is running well. You will be able to reach out to others, help your friends and family in your own unique ways and venture out into the world in your own area of talent and gifting to help those who cannot or will not help themselves.

Six years ago my husband and I started asking for help when we needed it and a month ago we brought home our 4th son, a 3.5 year old from China. We would NEVER have been able to do this had we kept to ourselves and quietly and resentfully expected others to do for us without opening our mouths or hearts.

We've been able to pour into others in ways we never expected and have others pour into us. Our life is deep and rich because of the reciprocal aid that has been doled out and used up and replenished in renewing cycles for the last 6 years.

When I am feeling dry and barren I now know to ask myself, where do I need help and where do I need to give it. We all have times we will need each other. We all have times we will extend our hands towards someone else. Don't lay yourself down on the alter of martyrdom when you don't have to. Start asking for help, open your mouth, open your heart, open your hands. When you can, you'll return the favor, and the cycle will start all over again!

Good News and A Challenge

Today is an awesome day in our house! We received word that our Article 5 has been pulled and now we are simply waiting for a Consulate Appointment in order to set our Travel Date! We could not be more excited and to make things even better today we are launching our Chiaramonte Adoption T-shirt Campaign!

We would love for you to join our One Family and show your support for our adoption by purchasing a shirt and joining us in a fun social media challenge!

Head on over to BonfireFunds now through Sunday, Feb. 15 to pick up a shirt and then repost our link on your Facebook, Twitter and Instagram accounts and give us a shout out with #ChiaramonteAdoption #OneFamily. Invite your family and friends to support not only our adoption but also the adoption process of my brother-in-law and his wife, Chris and Sarah Chiaramonte.

As we have pushed forward with our adoption we have realized that God truly does see humanity as One Family. He desires for us to follow Him and calls us all His children. In a very real way Tony and I have been able to share that with his brother Chris and his wife Sarah and we are grateful to be raising funds alongside of them. We could not be more thrilled to see God bringing us together in this way and we would love for you to be a part of this awesome story that God is telling through our One Family!

Join us today! And when you receive your shirt snap a picture and post it on your social media accounts using our hashtags. It is our hope to compile a photo book for our kiddos that serves as a tangible reminder of the people they can all their tribe, their One Family!

Experiment 1: The Action of Empathy

* The Alive Project is a series of experiments based on the leading of the Holy Spirit to experience the daily life of another with the express purpose of acknowledging and understanding the heart of God towards His created order. 

For those of you following The Alive Project, this is the fourth post in the first experiment: Menstrual Cups. Little did I know when I made the decision to make a switch in my own personal hygiene practices that it would lead to real change in my heart and mind regarding my own femininity and the value of safe, effective, sustainable hygiene practices around the world.

The original article that jump started this journey for me has never been far from my heart and mind. In fact Sabrina Rubli's piece, "How Menstrual Cups are Changing Lives in East Africa" is the number one search result in my Google search option. Her insight to the life changing effect of cups in Kenya was compelling enough for me to make a switch and begin to discover a new side of myself and a new connection with women around the world.

In my discoveries based on the experiment I reached out to a friend I know who works at World Vision in Chicago. World Vision (WV) is an international partnership of Christians whose mission is to follow our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in working with the poor and oppressed to promote human transformation, seek justice, and bear witness to the good news of the Kingdom of God. Tony and I already support the mission of WV and around the world and instead of reinventing the wheel, it was my desire to join them where they may be working in this field. The results of that initial Facebook message to my friend have been interesting and sent my heart on a new and exciting journey.

She did a little digging and sent me a four year old article from the Lunette Cup website detailing the specifics of a special holiday program Lunette and WV Finland ran in tandem in 2010. Together, Lunette and WV raised enough money to provide material for over 7,000 cloth pads to be made the women of Sook, Kenya to promote safer, more hygienic periods and provide a source of income for the women manufacturing the pads. As a result, women were gaining economic ground and continuing their educations, formerly abruptly ended by several factors including the onset of menses.

WV continued their efforts in Sook where they have seen countless women gain confidence and hope for their educational future. As a result, hundreds of women and men have begun to speak out against the cultural practice of Female Genital Mutilation, now outlawed in Kenya, but still regularly practiced in villages at the onset of menses before a woman is married. FGM involves the removal of the outer genitals and, among other things, signifies a young woman (as young as 12) is ready to be married, represents the end of her formal education, and presents trouble in child bearing.

WV has, for the past several years provided an escape for women trapped in the cycle of FGM propagated by their families, especially older women. WV has constructed an all girl school with dormitories for those who have been cast out by family members for the refusal of FGM. Women here are continuing their education and becoming active members of their communities. Men as well are beginning to note the dangers of FGM both physically and communally and have begun to speak out against the practice. WV's efforts in Sook, Kenya are changing the landscape for women and men, creating a more equal society reflective of the Kingdom of God.

The question all of this rises in my heart is this, where do I fit in? I have been in touch with one of the women at WV Finland working closely with this project and I am excited to understand more of how I can support WV's efforts, not only in Sook, but around the world as their program grows.

I have found that empathy not only encourages connection but it also spurs forward action. This is what I feel, in part, Jesus must have been talking about when He explained His overflow. What the writer of Proverbs expressed when he let us in on the wisdom that "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Actions predicated on anything but Jesus' own love for His people will undoubtedly turn into something other than Kingdom glory. However, if our actions are flowing from the Love of Jesus welled up in our hearts then the Kingdom advances.

So, I find myself on a Kingdom journey. Seeking to understand how God views His people, not just women, but men and children. My desire is to understand how my heartbeat matches God's and march to that rhythm. I am honestly astounded the paths that this journey is taking, but I am loving walking through it as a member of God's holy priesthood, as member of His family, as a member of a humanity He cherishes.

If you would like more information on the mission and vision of World Vision please visit their website. For more on the work Lunette and World Vision have begun click here. Visit our Amazon Affiliate link at get your own Menstural Cups.

I will continue posting as the experiment moves forward and more ways to support safe feminine hygiene practices present themselves. In the meantime, why not start your own Alive Project? Here's a starting point: What is God calling you to that seems insignificant, but would radically change an aspect of your own life? Comment here and jump start your own journey in empathy, connection and coming Alive!

Experiment 1: Out of the shadows

* The Alive Project is a series of experiments based on the leading of the Holy Spirit to experience the daily life of another with the express purpose of acknowledging and understanding the heart of God towards His created order.  

Every girl is ashamed of their period. We are taught it is gross and unseemly and dirty. We are taught to hide it away to cover up all traces of it. Flush it, throw it away, in some situations BURN it. We are taught it is ugly. There is something about a cup on your counter that you can't ignore. For some reason, some how it is bringing my period out of the shadows for me. And along with my period it is bringing something of my personhood with it.

I have always been a firm believer in the equality of the sexes. I believe men and women were created with unique assets, and we live in compliment to one another. When working in tandem we represent a whole picture of the character of God and the working of His hands. What I have failed to realize is how unusual this idea really is and how affected our society, our world, even our churches are by the idea that women, in some way are inferior because of the structure of our bodies, our minds and our reproductive systems.

Researching the empowerment that the cup is bringing to women around the world I am excited for the future. Women who have been hidden away because of the shame of their period are now able to go to school, enter the workforce, provide for their families and generally go about daily life in vital ways that before they were unable to. Who are these women and what do they have to offer the world? I wonder with this change in the landscape of femininity around the world, what will the women of the world remind us we are capable of or where we need to be brought out of the shadows in our own corner of the world.

Around 2 days into the experiment I started to realize what the cup was doing for these women, and then I started to realize the liberation that may mean for them in the long run. It forced me to look at my own freedom as a woman and the limitations I have accepted from others based on my gender and to be honest, I got mad! I sat on my couch expressing my heart to my husband and trying to understand my own feelings towards my femininity and the way I am marginalized because of it.

I find that in most arenas in my life I am accepted as an equal of great value. Tragically, I find the one place I struggle with my femininity is inside the organized church. I am saddened to say, as a woman with gifts of teaching, shepherding and discernment I feel displaced in the structure of the American evangelical church. I remember telling a dear friend and mentor that if I were a man I would be a pastor, but because I am a woman I don't know what to do. The answer I have found is that I am welcome to use my gifts, for children and for other women. In short, in the current dynamic, don't speak to loudly and when you do make it palatable and super cute and easy to swallow.

As a woman in the church I have felt the pressure to follow my thirst for theology and practical Christ-like living to a certain point, but then to let the men in my life take over the teaching of these principles and the decision making as far as how those principles are to be administered.  I have received a subtle yet steady message not to teach, not to speak, not to think too hard in almost every way that doesn't have to do with my own children or "lesser" women.

This saddens me and to be truthful angers me. Mostly because this is not the dynamic I see in the teachings of Jesus and certainly not in the personal, one on one interaction of His body, which is the Church. So why then, does the inferiority of women sink its way into the hierarchical structure of the institution of the organized church? I think it is a deep misunderstanding of a few key verses and the omission of countless stories of women who helped form the lineage of Christ and the 1st century church.

How many times have you heard the story of Tamar, Jael, Rahab, Ruth, Phoebe and Tabitha? How often have you heard the stories of Mary and Martha told in another way besides how to "let go" as a hostess? When have you heard the stories of women with churches in their homes, women with a place among Jesus' disciples, those He loved and nurtured, or those who honored Him with their gifts? I hope you've heard these stories countless times! I've rarely heard them, only a handful of times from the front on a Sunday morning and NEVER spoken by a woman when men are present.

I don't want women to be in charge, only Jesus should be there. I just want women to be represented well in the Kingdom. I don't want women to get more playing time, just what is actually there in the scriptures for us to learn from. Women are an integral and dynamic part of God's plan for the world, just as much, not more than, not less than, men. The beauty of the creation of two genders was not a mistake, not an afterthought. The sexes together, in unity represent the beauty of God Himself. I think we loose some of that beauty when we take away the feminine voice in the church.

It is easy for me to become angry at this discrepancy in the organized church. That we say we are all equal, but when it comes to brass tacks the way we view women is lesser-than. However, I am reminded that anger is not a productive emotion. I am allowed to feel it, but unless given to Jesus, relinquished to Him, it only turns bitter. In giving my anger to God He has given me something else, empathy. What I have been asking for. He is showing me that feeling these emotions helps me connect with others. Through that connection He is making His Kingdom real to me and is strengthening the bonds of unity with women I have never met.

I have to imagine that if I feel this way about my womanhood in a very free and supportive environment, what must these women feel? Not only that, but how can I as a woman who lives this way reach out and support those who are marginalized not just in one or two ways, but in nearly every arena?! I don't know. I know that some of our tithe this month is going to buy menstrual cups. I know also that I will pray. I will pray for these women. Pray for their families. Pray for their communities, their teachers, their doctors, their men. I will pray for them, because prayer changes things. Prayer moves things.

I love that these revelations became a part of my thought process right before Martin Luther King Jr. Day. My respect and love for this man blossomed 10-fold as I realized that what he stood for is what I stand for and what every Christ follower should stand for. A world that is equal. Where people are seen as individuals. Where we love each other equally. Listen to each other equally. Value each other equally. A world where we look at each other as people who are distinct and unique and useful. I believe we are moving toward that, but we have some work to do. Not in anger or bitterness, but in the Spirit of unity that Jesus gives us because He loves us all.

Almost There!

It’s amazing how months of waiting can turn into a flurry of activity and suddenly you’re standing at the precipice and the only thing left to do is jump! That is where we find ourselves this morning.

After Christmas things started to pick up in the adoption process. Our I-800A sailed through as did our Visa processing. We then sent in our I-800 which we expected to take through January, if not into February, to complete. We found out last week that our 1-800 was processed by the 9th of January and was on it’s way to us. The next morning Tony received an email from the National Visa Center letter telling they had received a copy of our I-800 and we could continue our next step (something we were not expecting for another week)! On Martin Luther King Jr. Day Tony logged on and completed another form required for our kiddo’s Visa as we waited for our hard copy of our I-800 letter (since we knew it wouldn't come on a holiday, he decided to get ahead of the paperwork). The next day he sent what we had into our agency and we waited...like 10 minutes! Our team contacted us to let us know they had received a hard copy of our approval and they would gather the documents Tony had already sent, we would pay a bill and whoosh, we were done with paperwork!

Our Visas arrived super quickly! It felt like a huge day

You know that feeling you had after your last college final or after you signed your marriage license? That’s what it felt like looking at that email, “No need to do anything else! You’re done!” It’s an incredible feeling! I’m sure more for Tony than for me. He said to me last night he literally has no idea what to do with himself now that the paperwork is done.

He has worked tirelessly for almost a year to bring our child home. I am so grateful for a husband who is dedicated to this process and SO stinkin’ good at paperwork. A friend of mine commented how awesome it was our process has gone so smoothly and I had to sing the praises of Tony. Paperwork makes an adoption go ‘round and he has been spot on every document.

This is where my hard work starts. As soon as we received news we were close I started organizing clothes and shoes and started getting overwhelmed. How do you plan for a child you’ve never met? I know a birthday, a gender and very little else. How do you pack for 2 weeks in a foreign country with a child who is a practical stranger? Do I bring a size up or a size down? What size shoes? Do I need diapers or undies or pull-ups? Do I need bottles or baby food or both or neither? Do I need a stroller or a baby carrier? Should we keep JJ in a crib or will we need to move him to a toddler bed? 

JJ found the new bed and has been keeping it warm for his new brother!

Yesterday I got to ask my questions. Twenty of them. You moms out there can understand, 20 questions to get to know a child you have never met and will be bringing into a totally new environment is about 1 million questions too few! Mind you, the very first time we meet this child he will come home with us. No get-to-know-you seminar, no book of likes and dislikes. Just like in the hospital with your newborn, “here you go, you don’t know this kid, but you’ll be great.” - I hope they have really good hot beef sandwiches where we’re going, I think that’s how I got through my first 3 newborns!

So now, our agency will send off our packet to the Consulate, which should arrive by the end of this week or early next week. They will review it within two weeks and then pull what is called an Article 5. They will set up our Consulate appointment and call us with a travel date. A TRAVEL DATE! The next time we hear from our agency will likely be them telling us when we are getting on a plane!

I hope that we will be traveling in February, but Tony and I agree this is unlikely because of the Chinese New Year. It seems, finally, we have an end in sight. It’s exciting because our next step is not months away, it is weeks, maybe days away!

Last February Tony and I sat down and had what we dubbed our Dream Summit. We talked about the things we love and feel called to and what our lives would look like if we truly followed what God had put in our hearts. At the top of our list was ADOPT A CHILD. And here we are 1 year later. Our Dream Summit has completely changed our life. We have decided to say “YES” to what God has for us and we don’t regret it!

We are excited! I can honestly say I’m not even nervous, because I know God has this. He is the good parent! He loves our kiddo more than we can ever know, same as He loves us. God is so good to include us in His plans for the world. One person at a time, in love. He is restoring us all!

*If you would like to support us through prayer or help provide travel costs and other fees related to bringing home our child please visit YouCaring.com/chiaramonte! We would love for you to be a part of our support team!

Experiment 1: Choices

* The Alive Project is a series of experiments based on the leading of the Holy Spirit to experience the daily life of another with the express purpose of acknowledging and understanding the heart of God towards His created order.

Here's the thing. I have choices. I do not have to use this thing. This is what I'm thinking as I look down at these instructions:

This is totally my choice. No one is making me do this. I'm glad I didn't see this before I started:

I'm not a freaking rocket scientist you guys! This looks complicated. Nevermind the package directions also instruct me to "rotate the cup one full rotation once it is in place to ensure a proper seal against your cervix". Hubba, wha? I'm folding this thing, shoving it up my hoots and then twisting it until it SUCTIONS itself to me! Wait didn't that lady on Amazon say that's what she was going to the hospital for?!

I'm thinking about all my choices as I stand in my kitchen looking over this thing. I have a half a box of tampons in my cabinet. I think I just cleaned some postpartum pads out of my drawers. I could honestly just send my husband to the store on his way home. My choices are not menstrual cup or mud. My choices are menstrual cup and literally anything else in the known universe specifically made for collecting my period fluid and disposing of it nicely. Some of these methods do not even involve putting anything inside my body. That sounds good right now!

I'm starting to think I made a mistake. By the way, you cannot just send these things back. I'm glad you can't, that would not make me feel good about purchasing them. I am seriously considering my options. Then I realize that this is not WWIII. It is not the end of the civilized world. This is not some sort of political or religious movement, this is a little cup. Just do it.

So I breath deep, fold, and...it's not so...oh no...it is...it's good...yikes...no...oh there we go...hm...maybe, got it. Got it? Got it! Okay good. Stand up...ugh...guess it wasn't unfolded. Well, it is now. Wait and see I guess.

Let's be honest. This thing is taking some getting used to. I suppose any time you try something new it takes getting used to. I literally didn't use tampons until college because I couldn't figure them out. The margin for trial and error here is small. If you've got it right you know within two seconds of standing up, if you don't you're gonna have to sit back down. It's different getting used to this, but I think it will be worth it in the long run.

I am starting to realize something, though, by entering this process. I do have choices. I have a lot of choices. Like I said my choices are not mud or mattress pickings. My choices are not stay home from school or be ridiculed. My choices are not spend money on food or tampons. My choices are anything and everything.

okay, this is not a thing, but almost

 I can have ANYTHING I want in regards to my period. Anything! I want tampons, okay. I want pantyliners, sure. I want pads, just in case, no problem. I want chocolate, of course. I want my husband to get me some ice cream, and put the kids to bed, and rub my back while we watch the show I choose, check, check, and check. You want it, you got it! I am terribly spoiled. It doesn't make me bad, but it does make me hard.

I was going to say "soft", but I think that is so wrong. Getting what I want, having what I need is making me hard. It's solidifying me in my autonomy from the world. It's making me impenetrable to the suffering and heartache and true inconveniences of the world because, to me, there are no true obstacles (so I think). Having anything and everything I want for the incidentals of my life is making me entitled to them. It's making me angry when I don't get anything and everything I want in absolutely everything. Barf. The tendency to make these things all about me is so overwhelming it's sickening.

Time and again while trying to get this thing right I thought about what it must be like to be a 12-year-old girl in an outhouse trying to teach herself this before school. Wishing and hoping that it will work so that she can go and learn. I think about a mother receiving a menstrual cup and wondering if this will allow her to buy more food for her babies next month. I think about young girls with dreams and mud, trying to decide between humiliation and hygiene. It's gut-wrenching.

photo by Femme International

When confronted with my choices I am also confronted with the lack of choices for millions of women around the world. My sympathy wants to save them, my empathy wants to know them. I'd love to meet these women. Hear their stories. Ask them why they chose the cup. It seems so simple, trivial, dumb really. Yet it seems important. I'm sure their reasons are so fundamentally different from mine, but that choice unites us as women. It's a choice we all have to make.

It's a choice I'm glad I've made because I feel connected to these women. I don't know them. I haven't met them, but I know something about them. I have made a conscious choice to align myself with them. They matter to me because...well, simply, they matter. They always have, I'm just aware of it now.

This isn't the end of the experiment, in fact, it's only day 1. I feel as though I've learned so much, but once you know something you start to feel something, and once you start to feel something...watch out...

Experiment 1: The "What" Cup?

The Alive Project is a series of experiments based on the leading of the Holy Spirit to experience the daily life of another with the express purpose of acknowledging and understanding the heart of God towards His created order. 

This is my first experiment: The Menstrual Cup
 
A couple of years ago my chiropractor, who is awesome, tried to get me to try one of these bad boys:

 

This is a menstrual cup, if you live in the Midwestern United States and know what this is you are probably also familiar with the benefits baby wearing, were to locate a Kombucha starter, and not only what an essential oil is but how to use it effectively to cure almost anything. For the rest of us, this is what you might guess it is. You fold it up, stick it in, and dump it when appropriate during your cycle. Basically it's a reusable alternative to a tampon. Let's be honest, it doesn't look like a BETTER alternative. Oh, did I mention you have to fish it out with your fingers and clean it after each "wear"? It's also the size of an espresso cup. Yeah, thanks but no thanks, Dr. Laura.

And that's just what I told her. The menstrual cup is not for me. I have three kids and an active lifestyle. I am not always at home to dump and clean a silicone cup after each use. I don't have gads of time on my hands to figure out how to "suction" (yeah, that's right) it properly against my cervix every time I have to reinsert it. Let's be honest I'm not too keen on the idea of "reinsertion" anyway. Also, I'm not sure when the last time you went to the bathroom alone was, but I'm pretty sure the last time I had my period I had to explain to my 4 year old daughter what a "mommy bandaid" was. You know if they don't have it at Target it's probably not even a real thing anyway.

Every month these and many other excuses kept me from lugging myself out to Whole Foods to pick up a Diva Cup. Even though I contemplated making the switch to the cup, every cycle I would dutifully buy a box of Kotex and an extra package of pads for the Family Promise ministry at my kids' preschool. I felt like I was using this unavoidable chore to help someone else and accomplish what I needed, building "service" into my everyday life. This was fine, until this image popped up on my newsfeed last week, the week before my period mind you: 

The image was accompanied by this headline "How Menstrual Cups Are Changing Lives In East Africa". Now you must understand that if you put something on my newsfeed with the word "Changing Lives" in the title I am about 75% likely to click it, but couple that with those little hands and an image of something that I had already been thinking about, feeling nudged toward...forget it, I'm reading that article, and I AM going to cry about it.

The article laid out how young women in East Africa were using the cup as an alternative to their other sources of relief from bleeding. The author sites "leaves, newspaper, rags, cotton, bits of mattress stuffing, even mud" as routinely utilized methods to provide protection for women in parts of the world where a package of pads cost $1.00, around three-quarters of a days wage in some cases. 

In some complete craziness the author details how menstrual cups are changing these women's lives. Because the cups are reusable for up to 15 years women are gaining economically stable ground. Because they only have to change them once every 12 hours, girls can go to school during their period when they normally could not. Women in East Africa are gaining freedom and confidence as a result of this small silicone cup!

Well, that was it for me. I got off Facebook and logged onto Amazon to check these suckers out. Yikes! Reading the reviews was beyond excruciating. One that particularly stood out was "going to the hospital, this thing is suctioned to my cervix and won't come off, THE PAIN!" Yeah, not a selling point. Apparently there is a lot of controversy with these little guys. I wasn't sure. That paired with the fact that the initial investment is about $30 and I wasn't sure I was going to like it, I signed off and that was that. 

But I kept thinking about it. And those girls in Africa. I kept going back over the pros and cons. I kept weighing  the decision in my head. So I decided to do what any rational woman would and go to the one person who would understand this decision...my husband.

Hilarious right?! I told him I was thinking to switching to this "cup" thing and he had a few questions, duh! After talking frankly about it for a little bit he was indifferent and basically said "whatever". I told him I didn't really care either except for this one thing...These women...in Africa...it's changing their lives. Remarkably, my husband understood. He understood that I wanted to understand and he said, "Go for it!" 

So, I ordered my Diva Cup. Size Two please (yes, they have sizes). And I waited. My period was coming soon. I'd give it a try. If I hate it I hate it. If not great! It'll save us some money in the long run. 

And so, with one click of the mouse, The Alive Project was underway, but I didn't know it then. I pretty much thought that I was just switching my hygiene practices. I didn't know what it was going to bring up in me. I didn't even think to think about how I would feel about it. I'm sure that's why when it came in the mail and I started wearing it what happened to my heart surprised me.

 

The Alive Project

What does it mean to be Alive? Truly alive? Not what does it mean to be me, simply what does it mean to BE? This question has been nagging me as of late. I want to know, not only what it is to be a white, suburban, middle-class, American, woman. I want to know what it is to be human. I have found myself so wrapped up in my own culture and experience that the world outside of my small sphere of influence seems like a setting in a book with the characters only coming to life when I choose to open the cover, break the binding and begin reading. When it gets to be too much, I simply close the book, stick it on the shelf and go about my daily life. It’s what I call my “Other People Problem.”

I remember admitting to my husband a truth I have been ashamed of my whole life, my “Other People Problem”. I turned to him after some sort of conversation about someone or something and said, “I just have such a problem with the concept of other people.” He was, understandably taken aback, because, of course, everyone understands the concept of other people. However, as I went on to process my own thoughts it became apparent to me that the main issue in my “Other People Problem” is simply that I cannot see things how other people see them. I deeply want to understand what other people are thinking and feeling, but I have no clue how to connect with them. Outside of the small number of people I call my friends and family I cannot understand the human dynamic. In short, I have NO empathy.

When thinking about this today I ran across a posting by a good friend of mine of Facebook. It was this short video made with excerpts from a lecture by Dr. Brené Brown on the differences between Sympathy and Empathy. Her words and the truth of them struck to the heart of my “Other People Problem”. The truth of the matter is, I have LOADS of sympathy, but very little empathy. I am really good at feeling bad for you, but I am terrible at feeling with you.

Dr. Brown says this in the video, “Empathy is a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you I have to connect with something within myself that knows that feeling.” I think this may come to the order of what it is to be alive. That in some way empathy is innately tied to the nature of God and therefore to us as His created beings. This is a marker on the path that I have been walking toward, a “signpost”, if you will, on the journey towards what it means to be truly alive.

This confirms in my spirit what I believe God has been telling me about myself and my journey over the last few years. Knowing that life is not just about me or my personal relationship with God, though this is important; but understanding that God desires me to feel what He feels for His world. He desires me to empathize, to feel what the world feels and to feel what He feels for His world. In this great cyclical pattern I can begin to connect with others and also with the heart of God Himself.  When I have empathy with others I begin to have empathy with God. I begin to understand how He feels about His creation, humanity, the workings of the world. As I connect with the created, I begin to connect with the Creator.  

And so, I have decided to embark on The Alive Project, the aim of which is to connect with the world that God loves so much. I don’t know how long the project will last or what it will entail, but I do know that God is pushing me further into the reality of His heart and His Kingdom on Earth. There is very little criterion for what experiments will comprise the breadth of the project, only this, the leading of the Holy Spirit to experience the daily life of another with the express purpose of acknowledging and understanding the heart of God towards His created order. 

I cannot wait to share with you the most recent experiment and how it has changed me. It is interesting and mundane all at the same time, but it is worthy and holy. Several posts on each experiment will follow. As long as Jesus leads me, I will follow, choosing to say “yes” to connection. Choosing to move forward. Choosing to live fully ALIVE.

Radiant Love

The radiant love of Jesus glitters like diamonds

Shines like stars

Lights a fire in our hearts

The radiant love of Jesus is not hidden

It is worn like a jewel

Treasured like a prize

The radiant love of Jesus drives us forward

Opens our eyes

Enlightens our minds

The radiant love of Jesus is never-ending

In infinite supply

Meant for all

The radiant love of Jesus 

Rescues

Transforms

Heals

His love is like Radiant Diamonds

 

 

All the Promises

What do you pray when you don’t know what to pray? I am starting to learn that what I can pray is the truth of Scripture, the promises of God and the desires of my heart. In this case I know at least two of the three will hold up as the Truth of who God is never changes. In regards to the desires of my heart, I realize that these are not always in line with God’s plans and often He changes my heart as I pray, but sometimes...oh, sometimes these desires are met with wonderful and explosive Love!

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These last few months have been an emotional roller coaster for our family, especially me. The waiting, resting, wondering, surrendering, hoping, praying, patient pursuit of our son has left me ragged. Add to that the calling of God on our life to stretch forward into His plan for our life with little to no knowledge of the future and you have a recipe for a Katie puddle at the base of the cross. Expectations, longing, brokeness and restoration have collided in real and tangible ways in our living room, in restaurants, in friends’ homes...at the Y. Most days, these past few weeks were spent in processing mode trying to understand our place in God’s Kingdom and how He is manifesting that in our lives.

Since our last update we have been praying for our Dossier processing and the arrival of our Letter of Acceptance from the Country of Origin. Our prayer the entire time remained steady expediency, for the employees of the government to have persistence in their daily work and for patience for our anxious hearts. Since our paperwork arrived in the Country of Origin during one of their most vibrant national holidays we imagined our documents being shuffled under piles and being left for after the country-wide, week-long vacation. It seems we were correct in our assumptions as our LOA took the longest expected time to be processed.

My prayer throughout the entire process had been that we receive our LOA before Christmas. I’m not sure why I had chosen this date in my mind, but to me, it seemed appropriate and kept my mind fixated on a goal. The Friday before Christmas I had all but given up hope that it would arrive and had resigned myself to a Christmas break spent in the same Limbo in which we had been living. God’s promises remained the same. His character was unchanged. He was still so loving and good, but I’m not gonna lie...I really wanted that piece of paper. Once again I laid down my expectations and took a deep breath, one more holiday spent waiting, one more family milestone missing a piece, one more day wondering.

God in His goodness knows when to answer us. He delights in delighting in us. He loves to love us...and love us well. Monday morning we received word from our agency that our LOA had arrived and it would be overnighted to us to arrive the next day...Christmas Eve Day. Along with all the symbolism that Christmas Eve represents, it also is the day we celebrate Christmas with our small little band, just the 5 of us in our jammies opening stockings and gifts. Tony and I traditionally don’t get each other anything for Christmas, but I couldn’t help thinking what an incredible gift it was to open that Letter on the day we celebrate the Savior of the world, 2014 years later He is still redeeming, still working, still active, still answering the prayers of an expectant heart.

Honestly, here is where the timeline turns fuzzy for me. I know we signed papers for grant applications. Tony sent our immigration paperwork to our government and rounded up our passports and shipped them off to a complete stranger to courier them to the Consulate in Chicago for our Visas. Our case worker informed us of a $1000 anonymous donation made to our existing balance from someone we didn’t even know, and gifted Christmas monies covered the cost of our paperwork. Prayers for provision, knowledge and rest were all granted. Deep soul desires were met, not because of incredible acts of faith on our part, but because of the loving acts of our Father whose Glory fills the earth.

Our timeline is still sketchy. Because our paperwork traveled to our government after Christmas we lost days due to our country’s main holiday. Post offices were closed, government offices have days of rest and we are waiting. Today is New Year’s Eve and we found out this morning our 1-800 has reached the USCIS and has been logged into processing. We are deeply grateful for the systems in this country that allow us to be kept apprised of the process and hope for more updates as we continue. It is my prayer that the days of rest for those involved in our case with invigorate them in their work, providing the refreshment needed to serve the families in our country in our same situation.

In the midst of all these amazing steps forward I am most grateful for one afternoon spent moving furniture and setting up a little bed and a little chair and a little table. Hanging artwork and loving filling selves. I am grateful for little sheets and pillows and blankets. I am grateful our son now has a corner of earth to call his own. His own bed, his own chair, his own table, his own books, his own map, his own pictures. Here, so far away from where his story began, he will find roots. He will know what it’s like to breath his own air and fill his lungs fully. He can stretch out. He can feel loved. He can rest.

God is so good. When we don’t know what to pray He fills our mouths. When we don’t know what to do, He directs our steps. The earth belongs to Him and everything in it. When we turn our hearts toward Him he reminds us that everyday, in everyway, He is saving us...all of us. He is the Light of the World and He is overcoming every ounce of our darkness. He is a good Father. We are all His children and He loves us all so much...so very, very much!

For more on our story or to join our team of support visit our YouCaring site.

From Ashes

November is National Adoption Month and as we sit on the approaching eve of our own adoption I am riddled with feelings of conflict. There are so many voices, images, songs, shows, movies, stories that express the beauty and redemption of adoption. It is truly beautiful...for me.

I am not coming at adoption from the heartbreak of infertility. I have lost a pregnancy, but I haven’t grappled with what it is to choose adoption out of the tears of my flesh. I haven’t lost a parent or a sibling or a friend and chosen to love their child as my own while secretly mourning and navigating my own grief. I don’t know what it’s like to raise my own grandchild. I have not been the adoptive parent of a spouse’s child abandoned by choice or by death. I don’t know that pain, and I won’t pretend to. To pretend to know how it feels to have a child woven into the fabric of a family by any of these needles is unfair. I have seen it in every way, but I won’t pretend to know what it feels like.

I am not, and have not been a child that has felt the loss of family. I don’t know what it is like to huddle in my bed at night alone and cold wondering if someone will come. I’ve never packed my belongings in a garbage bag for another “hopeful” situation. I can’t begin to imagine what it is to be left in a dumpster, by the side of the road, in a public bathroom, on a doorstep, at an orphanage, or with a family member because the burden of me is too much for my parents. I don’t know what it’s like to have the message that “you are unloved” or “you are utterly alone” play over and over inside my head. I can’t imagine the pain and loss that is felt when your own flesh gives you up. I’ve never lost a parent, let alone both of them. I’ve never seen my parents struggle to feed my siblings so much that they have given me away to someone who can. I don’t know what war and poverty and hunger and injustice can do to me from the inside out, shaking the very foundation of my family until we tear apart. I don’t know. I won’t pretend to.

 

Adoption is beautiful but it is born out of the ashes of tragedy, out of a life that has been ravaged by the fires of hell. It is a redemption song that should never have to be sung. But yet, here we are, singing at the top of our lungs. The same song that Jesus sings over us, He sings to those who are sitting now in a closet, or backseat, or at a funeral, or tied to a crib or in the loving arms of a foster parent, or orphanage worker. He sings the song of the Cross, He sings, “It is Finished” - your pain, your heartbreak, your tragedy - they are real - but I am REAL-ER!

Jesus cries out to the fatherless in a way that only He can. Jesus heals our broken hearts and redeems our crooked paths. He takes all that is shattered and makes it whole. He puts back the pieces of a twisted humanity and He calls us - you and me to do the same.

There comes a time in our lives when we look at the ashes around us and we dress in sackcloth and rub them into our hair, our skin, embed them under our fingernails and feel them between our toes. We wear our ashes and the ashes of others, we feel the heat of the embers still flickering and we wail for the injustice of sin. Sitting in ashes we cry out and we pray.

As the ashes turn to dust, the rain begins to fall. The wind of the Spirit rushes and the dry bones take on flesh. The beauty of the resurrection is this - We no longer sit in ashes, we are no longer covered in dust. We look at the grit beneath our feet and realize it is beginning to sprout. We know, deep inside, that newness is coming. Out of the dust, He is making us beautiful. A life that has been burned to the ground is being rebuilt on Kingdom footings, a heart torn apart is being forged back the way it was always intended.

This beauty, this newness is coming; on the backs of children and parents, in the arms of foster families and welcomed orphans, by the feet of relief aid workers and walking invalids, through the tears of healing babies and legal advocates. Hearts are being restored by signed documents, and shared struggles. The redemption song is being sung by every Mother, Father, Sister, Brother, Grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, Husband, Wife, Niece, Nephew, Friend, Pastor, Child...In the voice of every motherless orphan, every childless father, every husbandless wife, every where, in every corner of the world this song is being sung.

We are being restored. And our restoration rarely comes in the lonely hour. Someone has sat in our ashes. Someone has seen the flowers beginning to bud at their feet. Someone is helping us grow the Garden of God in our life. Others are fertilizing, pruning, planting, nurturing, loving us with the very love of Jesus. We need each other if we are to be whole. We need to reach out so others can see and feel what it is to be made whole.

There is beauty in ashes, and the beauty is this. Nothing that has ever been, or ever will be the tragic tale of your life is beyond the redemption of Jesus. Your heartache, your loss, your pain, your abandonment, your flickering ashes are the breeding ground of Grace. Jesus hears your heartcry. He weeps. He mourns. He heals.

It is right to rejoice in the story of adoption, the story of redemption and renewal. But it is also right to rejoice in sober reflection and respect for those things we know nothing about. Love and peace and truth and grace are all found here. Beauty from ashes...from ashes.   

To follow our adoption story or to support our adoption please visit Youcaring.com/chiaramonte

This Much Closer

Last night as we were all gathered around the dinner table Roman looked at Tony and said, “How close are we to [our new sibling]?” Neither Tony nor I ever have a good answer to this question because the process has been so unpredictable so we simply said, “We’re this much closer, bud.” It’s true, we are closer today than we were yesterday and tomorrow we’ll be closer than we are today. This answer usually satisfies or 5 year-old, but it’s hard to stay content with this answer as two adults in our 30s who have had a plan for most of their lives.

The waiting and silence has been heavy the last few weeks in our home. I (Katie) have gotten to a place where the adoption is in some recessed corner of my mind just waiting to be revisited. I think it’s easier this way. It doesn’t mess with me as much. I can focus on other areas of my life, which is good, and hard, and sometimes not so good. When the waiting becomes lengthy, without end, discontentment can start to fester and the need to move can produce unrest in my Spirit.

This is the place I was in this morning when Roman brought me a little drawing of our family he was working on. One by one he added members and when he was finished he showed me our little family. Super cute. Although he was not satisfied. Something was not right. He continued to draw and came back and said, “There mom, here’s [our sibling] you’re holding him, cause he’s a tiny baby.” It was the first time Roman has drawn our family including our new addition, and even though we all know he’s not a tiny baby the idea of holding him, and seeing it depicted was heart-melting. Beautiful. I think our oldest is incredibly intuitive. He knows what I need to see and hear before I do. He ministered well to my heart on a day I was beginning to feel numb.

I have decided we may also want to add prophetic to the list of characteristics our eldest son possesses because after a much needed heart-to-heart with a good friend, Tony called me as I was on my way home.

“Did you check your email yet?” He said. “Uh, no” I replied. “Well, we got a message from Bethany.” Most of the communication with our agency lately has been business as usual, office closings, matching nights, seminars, nothing super pertinent to our process, so I had a feeling this was big news. “Let me just read it to you”, he said. This was the message:

Hi Chiaramonte family!

Since you were preliminarily matched to a child prior to your dossier being logged in, your dossier is being expedited by the CCCWA. According to their online system, your dossier has now been translated. It is awaiting review and approval so that it can be matched up to the child’s file. The review process may still take several weeks, but once that is complete, we will be very close to LOA!

This is huge! HUGE! A process that we thought might take us through Christmas may be finished up by the end of the month. There is still immigration paperwork, visas and travel that all take time, but a huge chunk of what needs to be accomplished will be done within the next several weeks! Words cannot express the feeling of lightness and joy this brings! We truly are this much closer to bringing our “baby” home.

I am reminded today again of what Jesus has been saying to my heart so often during this process, “So be careful to do what the LORD your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left.” This has been banging around in my mind and today when I looked it up I found it in Deuteronomy 5. The following verse is just as impactful, “You shall walk in all the way which the LORD your God has commanded you, that you may live and that it may be well with you, and that you may prolong your days in the land which you will possess.”

As the Israelites believed in the Promised Land, Tony and I believe that the “land which you will possess” is none other than the Kingdom of God, the New World Order where Jesus reigns as King over all! I am reminded today that so many things distract us from this reality, but when we follow His commands for our own lives and we walk in the way He has commanded us it will be well with us and we will be “this much closer” to the reality of Kingdom of God in our lives. 

Originally Posted on 10/10/14 on our YouCaring site.

To follow our story or become part of our team of support please visit our YouCaring site.