7 Things to Consider on the Road to Special Needs Adoption

** Earlier this week I was asked by an other adoptive mom to lend some advice while considering a special needs referral. While I'm sure what she was hoping for was a three paragraph encouragement note, what she got was what is written below: a full-on blog post. As we were preparing for our own journey down the road to special needs adoption these are things we considered and received encouragement in. It is my hope that you will find as much encouragement in reading it as I found in writing it!**

Adoption is a wonderful and beautiful picture of God’s love. Early in our process we spoke with a couple who has adopted 7 children internationally and she told us, with tears in her eyes, “It is like the Gospel played out in our living room every night.” This has been our experience and we are so grateful to be a part of God’s living and breathing Kingdom here in our own family.

I could literally write a book about our experience; but it all boils down to this: This is hard, but it is the best kind of hard I will ever experience, and we would choose it again and again. Our life is not easy, and I would say very few people in our life can understand what we are going through in these early days. No two adoptions are the same so it’s difficult to find others to process with that can get what we’re going through. We lean hard on each other and even harder on Jesus.

We have seen the Kingdom of God burst into our family and on our hardest days God reminds me that this is what He’s done for us. He’s brought us into His family to make us whole. Even if our son never understands this metaphor, God has made it so clear to us, He’s fundamentally changed us through the adoption of our son. We would never give that back.

I think the best way to help you understand the decision you are about to make is to outline a few of the factors that played heavily into our decision. Every family is different and every individual is different. So here are a few things to consider:

1. How are you made?

For us, it was clear that we were made for adoption. We thrive in change and in chaos. We love children and we have a lot of capacity for love and growth. Were we fully prepared for the challenges of parenting an adoptive child with special needs? No. But we have the willingness to learn and our life goals lined up with the expense, time and commitment it takes to raise a child - any child, no matter what.

2. What is your motivation for adopting?

There are so many schools of thought for why a person should adopt. I’m not sure it matters at much what your motivation is, as it is that you know it! For us, our motivation for adoption came from revelation in our own journey with Jesus. He had made it clear to us that we were to enter His Kingdom work through fundamental life changes that are rooted in who He’s created us to be. The realization of this truth about ourselves makes the hard days worth it. When our hearts are heavy or our backs are sore we get to come back to the truth that we are made for this.

It should be said that “saving” a child probably shouldn’t be your primary motivator, as there is no promise this child will ever improve, ever accept the love of Jesus, or ever be “grateful” for you as a parent. Especially in special needs adoption, I have to come back to Jesus and the work He is doing and has done in our son’s life. My motivation then becomes to simply share that love and truth with my children instead of my success being dependent on their change.

3. What resources do you have?

Consider your support system, your insurance coverage, your community support and your financial status. These things should factor into the larger picture of who you are and what you can handle. We have a lot of support from family and friends and great community support and great insurance coverage. Our finances are fair, but honestly, I would say this has been the least of our worries and one thing that we gave to God early on. We have seen Him provide in ways that don’t even make sense and we realize that because adoption is His plan for our family, He will provide what He’s promised.

4. How much can you handle? What if it’s more? What if it’s less?

Having a fair idea of what you can handle is important. As we were deciding what degree of special need we could handle we knew it was important that a child be able to feed himself, vocalize, maintain eye contact and have some degree of mobility. By watching videos of our son we were able to ascertain this information, but to be honest, meeting him was still a shock. He was so much stronger and smarter than we expected, but had so much less use of his legs. We thought we had scrubbed ourselves of expectations, but they had snuck in. There is no way you can anticipate what your child will be like, even with a clean medical history, there can be surprises. The good news is, you can do it! Especially if your expectations are tempered and your mindset is one of the Spirit, you CAN adapt!  

5. How flexible/responsive are your biological children?

It is important to take into consideration the temperament and flexibility of your biological children. Our children were 5,4, and 1 when we brought home our son. We have a wide range of personalities and needs in our family, but one thing we knew is that our kids are used to change, and what they weren’t used to they would adapt to, with a bit of coaching. Our oldest son is very rigid and likes things predictable, our daughter is carefree and easy going, and our youngest is, well, a toddler - so, you know - . We took these personalities into consideration and then gave great thought to how an adoption would affect them and if we would have the capacity to monitor their emotional development along with a special needs child. There are days I feel I am failing, but then my daughter will say something so Spirit inspired I can’t help but recognize that the living out of the Gospel in our family is teaching them beyond any words I could say.

6. Are you ready to fail?

Let’s be honest, we’ve been home for 3 months and about 40% of that time I feel like an utter failure. I don’t think I’m doing enough, or I’m doing too much, or I can’t keep going, or I’m losing my mind, or my body is going to give out or my kids are going to resent me, or our son is never going to improve. There are days I go to bed utterly defeated. There are times I wonder what we’ve done and why we’ve made this choice. The failure sometimes feels debilitating, so having a coping mechanism is key. Prayer, Bible Study and Meditation are all important, but God also has given us physical ways of working through our own hesitations about our abilities. Good friends and set aside time with your husband will help put into perspective what you will inevitably feel.

In order to deal with feelings of failure I’ve had to find new ways to express what I am good at. This is a work in progress and it is hard to carve out time for investing in my own esteem. There will be days you feel like you are underwater, I’m not going to lie. But the days you feel like God is working are worth it.

Last weekend we received a letter from our son’s doctor outlining his prognosis and care plan. It was a medical document, but what it told me is that we are succeeding. He is making progress, he’s learning to speak and eat and gaining independence. It is clear from the outside that this adoption is succeeding, even though from the inside I feel I can never do enough. It’s a forest for the trees problem, but when I take a step outside of myself I can see that in all my misgivings and shortcomings God is working in my heart and my family in extraordinary ways.

7. Are you ready for your life to change?

Your life will change. I thought I would be super ready to accept another child into our home. We already were thriving with 3 and everyone said adding a fourth was easy. What no one really realizes is that adding an adoptive child with special needs is like starting all over again. You have to rearrange your life, cut down activities, simplify your life. We had done this with the addition of each child into our family, but we went full on slash and burn with a lot of activities in order to accommodate the change in our dynamic when our son came home. It is hard, but it is freeing. We don’t feel obligated to do anything and what we do participate in is because it’s beneficial for our family and our marriage and those around us. We have learned the art of saying “no” and “please” simultaneously. We are still learning what we can handle, but we are getting a grasp on it.

In all the crazy ways your life will change, the best and most compelling is the way you will see the love of Christ burst into your family. Every day there is a moment where I say, “I can’t believe I get to be a partner in the Gospel.” God has given each of us a special gifting. We are all made for something. If adopting a special needs child is what you feel equipped for, then you should do it. Even knowing it is hard and heartbreaking.

The benefits of adoption so far outweigh the hard parts. The heartache is worth it. The life change is deep and rich. Your life will never be the same. And though you might long for it to be easy for just one moment, you won’t regret making the choice you were designed for.

Last week I was reading in 2 Corinthians 6 and Paul says to them, “Our hearts ache, but our joy is deep.” This is what adoption is. A deep ache for the wholeness of Jesus here and now and the profound joy that His promises are true! His Word says what He promises He will provide and that His commandments are not burdensome. He is good and His goodness is made known to our hurting world through the hearts of His people.

There are a lot of great resources about most special needs online. Honestly, I would not focus on the diagnosis as much as what you do know about your particular referral. If you have videos, look at them. If you have medical records, try to make sense of them. Every special need ranges so much that it’s impossible to know from a vague diagnosis what you will be encountering. Ask as many questions as you think you need to so that you can feel comfortable, while realizing you may never have the answers you hope for.

I have spoken with people who are thriving in their special needs adoption and I know of a couple of families who have disrupted their adoptions because they felt their child could be better served in other ways they couldn’t provide. In all these stories, God has shown Himself faithful. I have learned, when we are listening to the Spirit of God and we are resting in Him, we cannot fail. Even if we make what seems like a mistake, God is in the business of restoration. He will always champion for His children and we can rest in the truth of His promises.