5 Ways to Ask for Help and 5 Reason Why You Should

Today I read an article on some parenting site that made my heart sink. The general gist was the author could not and would not ask for help in the wake of giving birth. This new mom may not have meant to come off sounding like she expected the rest of the world to understand her needs and meet them without having to ask for help, but that's exactly how it sounded. The most telling remark was her admission that her "control issues" wouldn't let her ask of others what she so desperately needed - HELP!

I remember the early days of parenting my one newborn baby and how I felt the world should just "know" what I needed. I felt like I was drowning and everyone else should see my needs and meet them. I realize now that was incredibly immature and self-centered way of thinking. My friends, my family, my community, even my husband couldn't read my mind! They had no idea what was going on in my head - to be honest neither did I.

Well, three babies and one adoption later I have LEARNED to ask for help. It didn't come easy because I'm not a delegator , I'm kinda a control freak, and I don't want anyone else to see my inefficiencies. In short, I want to seem like the mom that has it all together. NEWS FLASH: NO MOM HAS IT ALL TOGETHER! And the ones who do are the ones who have learned they need each other to make it work!

So you don't know where to start and your at a loss for how to even begin being vunerable enough to ask for help. Here's 5 ways to begin giving up control and living in the freedom of true community:

1. Embrace your inefficiencies! I don't know where we got this idea that we have to be and do EVERYTHING. No one has every skill under the sun. In fact, the most successful people realize they have one or two specialized skills and run with them. Successful people are people who appreciate the gifts of talents of others and are not jealous of them. When you realize the gaps in your own personality and giftedness you give others the opportunity to love you well.

2. Ask for help with what you hate! You know what I hate? Cleaning my bathroom, folding my laundry, putting sheets on my bed. You know what I'd say to someone who came over to my house to visit my baby and ask what they could do for me - "Change my sheets, switch my laundry, clear the dishes out of my sink." I'm a horrible organizer and I have friends who are awesome at it. I'd ask them to organize the changing table, or put away some gifts I've gotten in efficient ways. I'd have them take a garbage bag full of clothes to Goodwill or fold my husband's underpants.

3. Ask for help with things you love! I love being around people and drinking coffee with my friends. After so many babies my friends know the absolute best thing to do for me is bring me a coffee and sit on my porch and talk to me. They text me encouragement and they pray for me. These are the balm to my soul that I've asked for and my friends have answered with! They know, if the day is bad, all Katie needs are words of encouragement.

So what do you love? Movies, music, TV, sleep? Let your friends provide that for you. Ask for a Blizzard, or a RedBox, how about an hour of cuddling the baby while you sleep? Everyone wants to cuddle your baby and by month 2 of non-stop contact, you will probably want to sleep or take a shower without that kid!

4. Take people at their word! One thing my husband has taught me over the years is to not let people BS you. He's much nicer about it, but really he means, if someone says something - believe them! If they say they want to clean your bathroom - let them! If they want to let you take a nap - okay! If they want to bring you a meal or do your dishes or clear your dishwasher, or bring you coffee, or take your big kids or help you in ANY WAY - LET THEM DO IT! If they didn't really mean it in the first place, they'll learn their lesson, and if they did, then you've just killed two birds with one stone; you've gotten something done and you've proved to yourself that your friends there for you!

5. Keep a running list of practical things you need! When we brought our son home from China I had a little list of things I need from the grocery store on my counter. When a friend texted me saying she was running to the store and did I need anything, I promptly replied, "baby carrots". She texted right back, "done. text me 10 more items and I'll leave them on your front porch." Because I was prepared I knew just what I needed and 30 minutes later there was a bag on my porch. When you become self-aware without the self-pity you're able to say what you need and not feel bad for it. I once made a friend wait outside the grocery store in her van beside my van watching my kids while I ran inside to get breast pads. All because she asked "what do you need" and I said, "I need breast pads, and I want to get them myself."

Know this, your friends and family are not trying to trick you. They don't want to catch you in a need so they can say "Such-and-such is soooo desperate right now!" They want to help you! They want to love you! They want to show you how exciting they are for your life change.

There are a millions reasons to ask for help and accept the help offered to you. Here are 5 of the best:

1. Your Spouse! Guess what? Your spouse loves you, and he kinda misses you. You are not the same after having a baby. You are emotion, hormonal and pouring all your love into a little human he doesn't know very well. While you're trying to hold it together to keep up appearances, he's trying to hold it together for you - picking up little pieces of you along the way.

If your spouse is not around, physically or emotionally, let me just say I'm so sorry. Give yourself extra room in this area and allow your family and close friends to love you all the more through this time. Don't try to tough it out on your own, you will make yourself crazy.

If your spouse is around but feels distant, may I suggest it's because he just doesn't know what to do. There is no manual for a postpartum wife. He is experiencing as much change as you are and he needs your support as well. Lean on each other, ask what he needs and tell him what you need. Don't make each other mind-readers - you both stink at that. Be honest and open and help foster your post-baby marriage.

2. Your Friends! The best friends I have ever made have been my post-baby friends. I am certain of one thing - we would not be so close had we not needed each other so much. We needed advice and playdates and venting sessions. We need the gifts that each other has that we don't. We need each other to watch our kids and bring us meals.

We love to do this for each other because there is an intense fellowship that happens when you are vulnerable with each other. We love each other because we know each other's weaknesses and strengths. We've built bonds on our needs and we each love each other more because of those needs.

If you don't have a group of close friends to lean on try a few different sources: parks and playgroups, church, bible studies, book clubs, or library story times. Reach out to people in your spheres of influence and begin with being the friend you'd want to have. You'd be amazed how many people just want what you want.

3. Your Other Kids! Your kids don't need you to be strong they need you to be real so that when they're 26 and drowning in diapers and formula they know how to reach out and ask for help. Do them the great service of showing them that we all need each other, and it only makes our lives richer to help and ask for help as well. Plus, they'll probably get some fun playdates and new friends out of the experience as well.

4. Your Self! Uh, duh! Not only will you get your needs met, you will also learn A TON about yourself. Asking for help has a way of stripping us raw. We realize our need for others and that's uncomfortable. We also realize that others are willing to meet our needs and love us just as we are. All of these revelations are at once freeing and humbling. But we should be humble - and we're made to be free.

5. Your Future! The more you express your need for help the stronger a community will rise up around you. You will be amazed the things you are capable in your life once your support system is running well. You will be able to reach out to others, help your friends and family in your own unique ways and venture out into the world in your own area of talent and gifting to help those who cannot or will not help themselves.

Six years ago my husband and I started asking for help when we needed it and a month ago we brought home our 4th son, a 3.5 year old from China. We would NEVER have been able to do this had we kept to ourselves and quietly and resentfully expected others to do for us without opening our mouths or hearts.

We've been able to pour into others in ways we never expected and have others pour into us. Our life is deep and rich because of the reciprocal aid that has been doled out and used up and replenished in renewing cycles for the last 6 years.

When I am feeling dry and barren I now know to ask myself, where do I need help and where do I need to give it. We all have times we will need each other. We all have times we will extend our hands towards someone else. Don't lay yourself down on the alter of martyrdom when you don't have to. Start asking for help, open your mouth, open your heart, open your hands. When you can, you'll return the favor, and the cycle will start all over again!

10 Activities for An Adoptive Toddler in Country

When packing for our trip to China to pick up our 3.5 year old son the last thing on my mind was toys. I thought of medicine, toiletries, clothes, diapers, shoes, socks, books, and DVD's but not once did I think of what we were going to do for hours on end with a new child in our hotel room, in waiting rooms and on buses for long stretches. I kind of just figured he'd be along for the ride and too overwhelmed to really get excited about anything I brought for him. Plus, as a mom of three kids already I knew that it would pretty much be a shot in the dark as to what he would like and what he wouldn't. I wasn't about to waste precious bag space on a "no-go" toy.

Well, I was dead wrong! Our son was active and exploring from the moment we met him. We brought a book, a bottle of water and a toy car to the Registrar's Office the day we met C. What a joke! He downed the water, turned his nose up at the "toys" and downed 2 CLIFF bars before our time there was over, which all in all was about 15minutes. It's a good thing he was one of the last boys to arrive, otherwise our time in that place would have been a nightmare! Once we arrived back at the hotel it was clear, this kid was going to need something to do...STAT!

Because it's not that easy to understand what you need in the moment, and because getting what you want in country is not always possible, there are a few things I wish we would have had that we just didn't. For the sake of my sanity if we ever decide to do this thing again, and for those who will travel after us, I thought I'd compile a list of some of the things I now know C loves and would have benefited from during our trip.

Just to give you a little context, C was 3.5 years old, his medical records indicated cerebral palsy, and we were unsure of his language abilities, though it seemed as though they were sparse. When we met him, it was clear he did not have the use of his legs for walking, but could crawl and pull to stand. While the CP also affected his arms and hands, he had extremely adept fine motor skills and liked to use them. We also knew from word one that he could speak - Mandarin. And he could speak well! We will not be surprised if when he starts speaking English he tells us he could also read. This kid is SMART! He needed a lot of stimulation and providing that was crazy hard in country.

So, here's a list of the things I wish I would have brought that I know he likes and take time and energy to play with. They would have been worth their weight in our suitcase. I would have sacrificed my second pair of shoes for them, and probably a pair of jeans too!

1. Crayons/Marker/Colored Pencils and Coloring Books

It was not long before we found out that C could color and loved to do it, which was a surprise because we didn't even know if he could hold a pencil. Almost immediately upon arriving back at the hotel we found a pen and a piece of paper thinking it may occupy him for a minute or two. He spent nearly an hour drawing on the hotel notepad! We were able to find a coloring book at a nearby park, but because of the rate of coloring this kid enjoyed one was not enough. We found every available surface to draw on everywhere we went. Coloring books and crayons would have been a lifesaver!


2. Construction Paper to Tear

It was also clear that he LOVED to tear things. He literally tore through every package of Kleenex we brought within the first 2 days! Construction paper would have given him a choice to draw and tear if he wanted to. The stimulation tearing provides him at home is a good indication that it would have been a good thing to have for stress relief after hard days. I would even suggest snagging a paper cup from the hotel and keeping a few pieces of construction paper in your bag so that your child can tear and sort during wait times and car rides.

3. Pom Poms

C is an incredibly sensory child and when we returned home one of the things he first gravitated toward was pom poms. He could practice his fine motor skills, feel a new texture, and sort into cups and containers little puff balls. It was kinda the holy grail of activities when we returned home because it provided a physical way for his brain to sort out what was happening around him. We bought these cute panda bear chopsticks in China and it would have been a perfect activity to pinch and sort pom poms all afternoon.

4. Toothpicks in a Salt Shaker

This sweet little activity was one that I always avoided because it seemed to simple to be affective. However, I've found that shaking toothpicks out of a salt shaker and threading them back through the holes can provide a lot of stimulation for C. This $2, lightweight activity would totally have been worth it.

5. Micro Cars 

Another couple in our group had a son the same age as C. Honestly, from day one I thought they were complete geniuses because they filled a small tupperware container with micro cars and let their son carry them everywhere. I have to admit, I was totally jealous as their son sat nicely playing with his cars in meetings, waiting rooms and car trips. I'm sure their experience was different than this, but from my outside perspective those cars saved their sanity. 

6. Legos

Sticking things together and pulling them apart provides C with a lot of relief. It is clear his brain processes it's surroundings when he can have control over at least some part of his environment. When we came home he spent large amounts of time playing with the Duplo block wagon we have. It was clear there was some reordering happening in his brain as he played. A of mid-sized Legos would have provided him some sensory relief in confined spaces like buses, cars and planes. 

7. Post-its 

We brought little notebooks with post-its inside as gifts for our tour guides, etc. On the final leg of our trip we knew we would have a couple left over so we let C go to town. He LOVED it! Tearing, sticking, ordering, resticking, coloring, rearranging; it was the perfect sensory activity to allow him to sort through his surrounds and maintain some sort of control. There were stickies all over our hotel drawers, and it was so worth it!

8. Playdough

Even one canister of playdough would have done the trick in country. If you haven't sensed the theme yet; sensory activities are so important for kids in transition and especially children with spastic CP as it provides and outlet for their muscular tension.  Playdough is a daily staple in our house after or before stressful activities like naps or intense people time. The squishing, poking and tearing (of course) helps C calm down and simply enjoy an activity. Plus, it's a great stress reliever for Mom and Dad too!

Somethings we did bring I was so glad to have:

9. Books 

We brought several board books with us and purchased a couple in China that had Mandarin and English words on them. Both types of books were incredibly helpful and the Mandarin picture books helped C express his needs and learn some English. It was a great way to communicate through pictures and spend some lap time together just snuggling.

10. Flash Cards

I purchased these flashcards from Amazon and I'm so glad I did!

 

I planned on using them when we arrived home, but as soon as we arrived back at the hotel C opened them up and started asking questions. He quizzed my husband over and over about what things were called and taught us several Mandarin words by pointing and verbalizing; I told you this kid is smart!

An extra bonus was the fine motor activity of dumping out all of the cards and replacing them. He spent a lot of time working on getting the cards in just right and fitting the top back on. The cards are durable and the box stood up to his playing. 

Bonus 

Fun Fun Elmo!

 

Our major find before we left for China was Fun Fun Elmo on YouTube. This is an animated version of Sesame Street that features 9-12 minute videos of Elmo practicing Mandarin words and phrases, plus counting and songs. Several times it was the only thing that calmed C when he was having a fit. We think that having some Mandarin was soothing to him. He loved Elmo and called him the "little mouse". We downloaded all of the episodes for the plane ride home which was also extremely helpful! A huge plus was my husband and I were able to learn a couple of songs in Mandarin and we also learned to count and how to construct several characters. It sounds silly, but Fun Fun Elmo was a huge help to us as well!

Good luck in your packing and your in-country travel! Remember, you'll be home soon and all of these great toys will help your little one transition into your normal family routine!

Freedom Finder

Today I had a mild break. It has happened with every new child that we have brought home. The demands of bringing a new child into our family has always created for me this deep dichotomy of  joy and claustrophobia. I have found so much of myself in being a mom and it has set me free in so many ways, but in the practical day to day of early "newborn" life I can't help but feel trapped.

Whether it's breastfeeding for 45 minutes every two hours or building and maintaining strong attachment, the early days of new caregiving require an intense amount of mommy time. While my husband would love to give his days and nights to these activities; biology, child preference and income requirements have put a natural barrier to my husband's undivided participation. In the early days of all of our children's lives most, if not all, of my time is spent at the mercy of a tiny dictator, namely the newest child.

 

Now, I'd hate for this post to be mistaken for a pity-party, woe-is-me, stay-at-home-mom-whine-fest. It most certainly is not. The joy I get from living my passion as a mom far surpasses the claustrophobia I feel. I believe nurturing my children is part of who I am made to be and as a way of living better into this reality of myself I want to find more freedom. Which feels basically impossible right as this very moment as it's taken me literally 10 minutes to write this paragraph because of the mom duties I've been called away on.

 

So here's the question. In the early days of new parenting when you can't decide when you get to shower, or sleep, or pee, or eat a meal; when you must decide what your kids will wear, eat, play with and when they will sleep, have screen time, or bathe; how in the world do you keep yourself sane?
Where do you find pockets of freedom without spending money, or leaving your house, or escaping away from your children? How do you find yourself without retreating into yourself?

Please comment below on how you find freedom. I'd love to build my repertoire and give ideas to others. Let's do this together, Mamas! Let's thrive as women in our homes, in our communities, in our world. Let's be all we are intended to be! Let's find a some freedom together!

Good Friday

This Good Friday I will not be attending services at my church. Neither will at least two other good friends of mine. We are all saddened that we cannot observe this moment with our communities. However, as I ruminated on this turn of events this morning it hit me that perhaps Jesus will be seen just as much in our living rooms, our children's bedrooms and our husband's hospital beds as in the music filled gathering places our support systems will be remembering in tonight. Perhaps the communion we will take at dinner tables, in front of medicine cabinets, and through FaceTime will be just as meaningful as the cup and bread served all over the world tonight.

This I also know, my friends and I are not the only ones caring for our sick, our lonely, our brokenhearted. Around the world, thousands of people are missing services tonight to participate in the Service that Jesus died for. Before the first Good Friday, this was impossible. To work alongside the Creator God of the Universe was not even something that had entered human consciousness. To work for Him, to be good for Him, to strive for Him those were available, but to be set free from the power of death and brokenness to enter into the loving work of redemption was unfathomable.

"BEHOLD! I AM MAKING ALL THINGS NEW!"

Tonight our families will celebrate Good Friday in a way that opens our eyes to Jesus. We will touch Him tonight. We will sit by His bedside. We will kiss His face and hold His hands. Our Good Friday will not be an observance of Jesus death, it will be an entering into the Life of the Son of God. Our hope will be in the work of Jesus on the Cross. Our freedom will be in His defeat of death. Our Life will be found in His Resurrection.

To our communities worshiping together tonight; Sing, Dance, Rejoice! What we have in Christ is beauty and joy! What we receive through His death is real, deep and meaningful Life! Lift your voices and your hands to the One who makes us whole. Who heals the sick! Who sets the lonely in families! Who brings us back from the dead! Remember this is the Jesus, the God, the King we offer our lives to! He is still working, He is still healing, He is making all things new!

Letters From China Pt 5 - Finale!

Hey all!

 

After an incredibly difficult 24 hours we are resting in the hotel before departing for Hong Kong this afternoon, a trip we were not sure we were going to be able to make.

 

We went to our Visa appointment yesterday at the Consulate and were waiting for the group before us in a different location for roughly an hour when our tour guide came running up to us and told us to come quickly. We rushed through the streets as she explained that the world wide computer system was down and she was going to try to get us into the appointment before us to take our oath so that we could possibly get our Visa before we were supposed to leave the country. If you think that sounds confusing and like an incredibly big deal, it was, and it is!

 

When we arrived down the street at the Consulate they wouldn't let us in and told us there was no way we could get our Visa appointment that day. Our very calm and collected guide turned to us and said "Prepare for the worst." I looked at her and said, "Give it to me straight, Shiyan, what is the worst." Her reply...."I don't know." NOT GOOD!

 

As we waited for the other group of families already inside the Consulate Shiyan, our guide, tried to help us make plans in the case that we were not able to leave the country, suggesting even that the husbands could return home to the United States and the wives could continue on after our Visas were complete. This was not comforting as to me this meant at least another week in our hotel room, possibly without Tony. I began to mentally prepare how we could get Roman, Leilah and Jericho over to China with us - my brain shifted to survival mode. We were all panicking, especially because Shiyan had told us on our way to the Consulate that in the decades she's been doing this the system had only ever gone down twice.

 

We left the Consulate with no information and no guarantee we could be seen, at all. All the information we had was, the system is down, it's a worldwide shutdown, we don't know when it will be up again, go back to your hotel, wait.

 

Needless to say, we came back to the hotel and I lost it. Cairo fell asleep in the van on the way back so while he slept I pretty much fell apart. Tony comforted me and then got to the business of finding out what was going on. Apparently, there was some sort of security breach and the system had to be rebooted. Something about Russians and email...I don't know.

 

We went to bed only knowing that we could be seen the next day, Tuesday at 3PM to take our oath, maybe. The visas take 24 hours to turn around and our plane leaves Wednesday at 11AM. We did the math - we were not leaving - not Wednesday at least.

 

In the morning we got up slowly, and went to breakfast where we were greeted by another family, "Did Shiyan find you? We are all leaving at 9AM. We are getting our appointments". 

 

We ate fast, changed and met everyone in the lobby, unsure if the system was working and if we would get our Visas in time.

 

Well, we've had our appointment and they assured us at the Consulate that they will not leave the building until our Visas are prepared. Shiyan is scheduled to pick them up today at 3PM so we can leave for Hong Kong, where tomorrow we will board a plane at 11AM to fly home. 

 

We are hopeful the Visas will be ready today and we will be able to travel as scheduled. Thank  you everyone for your prayers and encouragement. This is, in fact, the most difficult thing we have ever done. We can't wait to get home and begin our "new normal" with Cairo in our family. 

 

We can't wait to see you all and introduce you to this amazing boy who is worth every single second of hardship!

 

Love you guys!

 

*After this email we did receive our Visa's on time and we were able to travel to Hong Kong on our orignial schedule. Below is the final email I sent before leaving China:

 

We are about to board our plane home! See you SOON!

 

*The plane ride went very well, considering we were traveling 14 hours with a 3 year old. We had a wonderful flight attendant who spoke Mandarin that doted on him and helped us put him to sleep by rubbing his hands and feet. We landed in Chicago and had to drive home (our other option was a 10 hour lay over). The drive wasn't that bad considering it was the first time Cairo had ever been strapped into a car seat and he did NOT love it. 

 

The next two to three days were spent acclimating everyone to each other and struggling with jetlag. I could do a whole post on jetlag and how horrible it is. I think I will. However, once we hurdled that bump in the road things have been going well. We are still making sure to keep things regulated and we can't wait to get back to church. The older kids are back in school and I have been able to do some short outings with Cairo and Jericho during the day. We are slowly working back to normal and we are grateful for all of our friends and family who are helping us along.

Thank you so much for your prayers and support. We have felt every prayer and have benefited so much from the generosity of others. Thank you for loving our son so well! I can't wait to update more as normal sets in!

Letters From China Pt. 4

Thanks for all the prayers. After a short flight ending in a long tantrum we arrived in Guangzho on Thursday night. Cai was asleep by the time we got to the hotel and couldn't find his bearings in the morning, resulting in another epic fit. The two back to back coupled with the grueling schedule left this mama ragged. Then during breakfast, when I was at the end of my emotional strength another couple from our group brought down their daughter and sat at the table next to us. Their daughter screamed all through breakfast and the mom let me know this was happening regularly. I know it sounds weird, but that cry was music to my ears. We're all in this together.

 

We went to his medical exam with this couple and one other couple and on the way there and back we all talked about our difficulties and triumphs over the last few days. It was incredibly nourishing and set us out on the right foot for the rest of the day. Cai did great at the appointment and loved talking to the doctors and our tour guide. He fell asleep in the van on the way back and took a long nap.

 

After nap we took him down to the playroom they have here and let him loose! He LOVED it and we saw his true kids self. Loving, playful and so so SO smart! He has definitely learned to compensate for the inability to use his legs and has amazing reasoning skills for a 3 year old. After renting a stroller (YAY!) we enjoyed our time as a family and had a great afternoon exploring the city (which is another story all together).

 

 

Thank you for your prayers. We are feeling great today and Cai is doing very well. He woke up happy and ready to play and we are learning how to manage his frustration. 

 

Continue to pray for good sleep, communication and physical strength! 

 

Love you all!