I remember the early days of parenting my one newborn baby and how I felt the world should just "know" what I needed. I felt like I was drowning and everyone else should see my needs and meet them. I realize now that was incredibly immature and self-centered way of thinking. My friends, my family, my community, even my husband couldn't read my mind! They had no idea what was going on in my head - to be honest neither did I.
Well, three babies and one adoption later I have LEARNED to ask for help. It didn't come easy because I'm not a delegator , I'm kinda a control freak, and I don't want anyone else to see my inefficiencies. In short, I want to seem like the mom that has it all together. NEWS FLASH: NO MOM HAS IT ALL TOGETHER! And the ones who do are the ones who have learned they need each other to make it work!
So you don't know where to start and your at a loss for how to even begin being vunerable enough to ask for help. Here's 5 ways to begin giving up control and living in the freedom of true community:
1. Embrace your inefficiencies! I don't know where we got this idea that we have to be and do EVERYTHING. No one has every skill under the sun. In fact, the most successful people realize they have one or two specialized skills and run with them. Successful people are people who appreciate the gifts of talents of others and are not jealous of them. When you realize the gaps in your own personality and giftedness you give others the opportunity to love you well.
2. Ask for help with what you hate! You know what I hate? Cleaning my bathroom, folding my laundry, putting sheets on my bed. You know what I'd say to someone who came over to my house to visit my baby and ask what they could do for me - "Change my sheets, switch my laundry, clear the dishes out of my sink." I'm a horrible organizer and I have friends who are awesome at it. I'd ask them to organize the changing table, or put away some gifts I've gotten in efficient ways. I'd have them take a garbage bag full of clothes to Goodwill or fold my husband's underpants.
3. Ask for help with things you love! I love being around people and drinking coffee with my friends. After so many babies my friends know the absolute best thing to do for me is bring me a coffee and sit on my porch and talk to me. They text me encouragement and they pray for me. These are the balm to my soul that I've asked for and my friends have answered with! They know, if the day is bad, all Katie needs are words of encouragement.
So what do you love? Movies, music, TV, sleep? Let your friends provide that for you. Ask for a Blizzard, or a RedBox, how about an hour of cuddling the baby while you sleep? Everyone wants to cuddle your baby and by month 2 of non-stop contact, you will probably want to sleep or take a shower without that kid!
4. Take people at their word! One thing my husband has taught me over the years is to not let people BS you. He's much nicer about it, but really he means, if someone says something - believe them! If they say they want to clean your bathroom - let them! If they want to let you take a nap - okay! If they want to bring you a meal or do your dishes or clear your dishwasher, or bring you coffee, or take your big kids or help you in ANY WAY - LET THEM DO IT! If they didn't really mean it in the first place, they'll learn their lesson, and if they did, then you've just killed two birds with one stone; you've gotten something done and you've proved to yourself that your friends there for you!
5. Keep a running list of practical things you need! When we brought our son home from China I had a little list of things I need from the grocery store on my counter. When a friend texted me saying she was running to the store and did I need anything, I promptly replied, "baby carrots". She texted right back, "done. text me 10 more items and I'll leave them on your front porch." Because I was prepared I knew just what I needed and 30 minutes later there was a bag on my porch. When you become self-aware without the self-pity you're able to say what you need and not feel bad for it. I once made a friend wait outside the grocery store in her van beside my van watching my kids while I ran inside to get breast pads. All because she asked "what do you need" and I said, "I need breast pads, and I want to get them myself."
Know this, your friends and family are not trying to trick you. They don't want to catch you in a need so they can say "Such-and-such is soooo desperate right now!" They want to help you! They want to love you! They want to show you how exciting they are for your life change.
There are a millions reasons to ask for help and accept the help offered to you. Here are 5 of the best:
1. Your Spouse! Guess what? Your spouse loves you, and he kinda misses you. You are not the same after having a baby. You are emotion, hormonal and pouring all your love into a little human he doesn't know very well. While you're trying to hold it together to keep up appearances, he's trying to hold it together for you - picking up little pieces of you along the way.
If your spouse is not around, physically or emotionally, let me just say I'm so sorry. Give yourself extra room in this area and allow your family and close friends to love you all the more through this time. Don't try to tough it out on your own, you will make yourself crazy.
If your spouse is around but feels distant, may I suggest it's because he just doesn't know what to do. There is no manual for a postpartum wife. He is experiencing as much change as you are and he needs your support as well. Lean on each other, ask what he needs and tell him what you need. Don't make each other mind-readers - you both stink at that. Be honest and open and help foster your post-baby marriage.
2. Your Friends! The best friends I have ever made have been my post-baby friends. I am certain of one thing - we would not be so close had we not needed each other so much. We needed advice and playdates and venting sessions. We need the gifts that each other has that we don't. We need each other to watch our kids and bring us meals.
We love to do this for each other because there is an intense fellowship that happens when you are vulnerable with each other. We love each other because we know each other's weaknesses and strengths. We've built bonds on our needs and we each love each other more because of those needs.
If you don't have a group of close friends to lean on try a few different sources: parks and playgroups, church, bible studies, book clubs, or library story times. Reach out to people in your spheres of influence and begin with being the friend you'd want to have. You'd be amazed how many people just want what you want.
3. Your Other Kids! Your kids don't need you to be strong they need you to be real so that when they're 26 and drowning in diapers and formula they know how to reach out and ask for help. Do them the great service of showing them that we all need each other, and it only makes our lives richer to help and ask for help as well. Plus, they'll probably get some fun playdates and new friends out of the experience as well.
4. Your Self! Uh, duh! Not only will you get your needs met, you will also learn A TON about yourself. Asking for help has a way of stripping us raw. We realize our need for others and that's uncomfortable. We also realize that others are willing to meet our needs and love us just as we are. All of these revelations are at once freeing and humbling. But we should be humble - and we're made to be free.
5. Your Future! The more you express your need for help the stronger a community will rise up around you. You will be amazed the things you are capable in your life once your support system is running well. You will be able to reach out to others, help your friends and family in your own unique ways and venture out into the world in your own area of talent and gifting to help those who cannot or will not help themselves.
Six years ago my husband and I started asking for help when we needed it and a month ago we brought home our 4th son, a 3.5 year old from China. We would NEVER have been able to do this had we kept to ourselves and quietly and resentfully expected others to do for us without opening our mouths or hearts.
We've been able to pour into others in ways we never expected and have others pour into us. Our life is deep and rich because of the reciprocal aid that has been doled out and used up and replenished in renewing cycles for the last 6 years.
When I am feeling dry and barren I now know to ask myself, where do I need help and where do I need to give it. We all have times we will need each other. We all have times we will extend our hands towards someone else. Don't lay yourself down on the alter of martyrdom when you don't have to. Start asking for help, open your mouth, open your heart, open your hands. When you can, you'll return the favor, and the cycle will start all over again!
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