I can see how this whole process can be VERY overwhelming. But that's just the thing, as Tony and I discussed it on the way to our awesome friends' house last night, we are not overwhelmed, we are not worried, we are overflowing! Overflowing with the love and support that has been shown us. While many adoptive parents could feel depleted before they even step on a plane to pick up their kiddo, we are resting easy, sleeping well, and will begin our journey toward our son with full hearts and clear minds.
I thought as a tribute to the people who have loved us well and a kind of guide for support systems for those who come after us I had to write a post on how to love adoptive parents well. It's important to note that, just as important as knowing how to love well, knowing how to receive love is equally important. Encouraging your adoptive friends and family to accept help is the best place to start and the most convincing proof is not only offering, but doing!
1. PRAY for them and tell them about it! Prayer is powerful and effective! It is the food that our souls feed on and it is the power of the Spirit within us. Prayer is an exceptional way to spiritually and emotionally love on your friends and family, especially those who are adopting. Our foundation of surrender, release and calm is all built on the fact that God is providing for us through the prayers of our friends. The early stages of adoption can feel lonely and isolating, however knowing that friends are praying for you sustains your heart and reminds you that others are invested in your child. Not only that, prayer connects YOU to your friends and family and their child. Our friends and family who have been regularly praying for us through this process have been just as excited as we are for every piece of information regarding our process and our son. Here are some great things to pray for your adoptive friends:
- Peace and calm during stressful waiting periods
- The ability to release their process into the hands of God
- The healthy emotional and physical development of their child
- The health and emotional development of the children they are parenting currently
- Fulfillment and joy in their marriage
- Provision of the material needs, such as funds, baby items, furniture (whatever it takes to take care of a new child)
- Praise and thanksgiving for all of the obstacles, joys and successes in the process
- For more ideas, Google Adoption Bible Verses and pray through them for your friends, giving thanks for your own adoption into the family of God!
2. GIVE. THEM. YOUR. MONEY! Even if your friends are not fundraising, they need your money. Especially if they are adopting overseas, using a private agency or adopting a special needs child. Your friends will be looking at bills they never thought possible! I cannot tell you what it feels like to stare down a $40,000 challenge and believe that God will meet your needs and then, look at that $40,000 become $30,000 then $20,000 then $10,000 and so on. We couldn't imagine the kind of provision that came through PEOPLE to us. We benefited directly from the obedience of our friends to the call of God on their life. We had people give us $1,000 and people give us $10 and honestly every single dollar was like a song.
God told us very early on in our process that money was not to be a factor in our adoption. We were not to worry about it, we were not to stress, we were to wait and rely on Him. We surrendered our fundraising to Him and the way He has provided for us has been nothing short of miraculous. We have seen and benefited from our friends understanding that their monies are not their own, they are not ours, they are God's and when He asks something of you, you do it. We know some, if not all of these gifts were made sacrificially, as most people do not have a lot of wiggle room inside of their budgets, and we are grateful to have witnessed this kind of obedience and love.
3. LISTEN to their needs and meet them if you can! Thank you, Jesus for Facebook! As soon as we started getting information about our kiddo and our trip I started realizing that our needs were great. We needed a crib, clothes, shoes, coats for our son and tons of incidentals for our trip. Instead of panicking at the cost and availability of these items I logged on Facebook and asked. I asked because I knew my friends would answer and answer they did! Cribs, baby carriers, DVDs for flights, clothes, shoes, decorations all came POURING in. Literally, you guys, there was nearly an all-out brawl for the rights to fork over an Ergo for our trip! Not only did this outpouring meet our needs it showed me that we were not alone. As soon as people knew our needs they met them, in BIG ways. I'm sure this took so much stress away from us, but honestly we weren't in need long enough to feel anything but excitement.
4. CELEBRATE their child! What would you do if your friend or family were having a biological baby? A baby shower? A card? A gift? A cake? A Girls' Night Out? A babysitting offer? Don't think, "what's the best way to celebrate their adoption?" Think instead, "what's the best way to celebrate their baby?" If this isn't their first child, pretend like it is; in many ways it feels like it. If it IS their first child; treat it IN EVERY WAY as if they are pregnant. I find people get kind of weird about adoption just because they don't understand the process and the timing is so screwy. However, you can start celebrating from the beginning. Ask about their Home Study, rejoice when they get their referral, throw a party when they are ready! Love them, love their child. They can feel it, I assure you!
This week a group of girl friends dropped by with prepackaged, grab-and-go food for our big kids, cards for us, presents for our son and incidentals for our trip. The amount of love I felt sitting in my living room talking about our son and watching these women rejoice with us was overwhelming. It is beautiful to see the Kingdom in your living room on a Thursday night!
5. SERVE them with your gifts! We have a super unique and very individual support system. Each one of our friends is gifted in different ways and when they hear what we need they meet our needs in their own ways. We have 3 children aged 5 and under and a dog we are leaving in the care of family and friends for two full weeks. I am not the least bit worried about them because the greatest Moms (some of whom are not even moms yet) in the world are taking care of my kids. They are driving them, feeding them, teaching them, loving them while we're gone and these women are GOOD at it!
Tony is leaving his team at work right before a giant Job Fair and hiring blitz. He is confident in their abilities and they are responsive to his needs. Co-workers are not often thought of in your support system, but let me assure you, this team of people is making it easier for my husband to leave his workplace and not worry about his responsibilities. His confidence in his team and their willingness to love him so well with their support while we're gone are making his two week time away so much easier.
What are you good at? Are you an organizer, a baker, a chef, good cleaner, a great mom, a good budgeter, a prayer warrior, an encourager, a good gift giver, a fundraiser? Who are you and what do you do well? Your friends need your gifts as support. I guarantee you their unique gifts will be a blessing to you as well, if you let them.
*BONUS: LOVE them! I am a people person. I love to be with my friends and family. I love to soak in their comfort and share my life with them. My friends know this. While other friends may have given space for their adoptive friends to get things in order and get ready for their trip, when my friends found out we were leaving they called to get together. They made pizza for us and invited us over for dinner and wine and laughter. They came to my house and showered us with love. They sat at our dining table and talked life with us. They let me love on their kids. They took me shopping for leggings and toddler pants. They met my needs for love by knowing me and loving me well.
You know your friends. You know who they are and what they need. Don't wait for them to ask you. Don't wait for them to come with their arms open for love. They have done a lot of open handed asking and giving over their adoption process. Fill their empty arms, meet their hearts' cry. Pray for them, support them, listen to them, celebrate them, serve them....LOVE THEM!
Our friends and family are one of the HUGE reasons we are adopting. We know that the love they show us is God's love and we know that doesn't wear out. I know we'll have hard days and I know there will always be someone to text that will pray, reach out, love us in the way we need it.
I'm sure there are so many more ways that we have been supported and that other adoptive families have been shown love during their process. These are just a few of the many ways we have been so wonderfully loved during our process. We are SO ready for the next phase and so much of it has to do with God's Kingdom coming alive in our living room through people who love Him and love us!
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