When Hard Days Turn Hopeful

Today was not the best of days, neither was yesterday, and let's just be honest, this week wasn't my favorite. It's not that it was necessarily bad, it just wasn't good. We had several frustrating situations rise up and a couple of poorly timed disappointments. One of these said disappointments hit me particularly sideways today.

 

We had planned all week on attending a local Chinese New Year Celebration and I was really looking forward to it. To be honest I'm a little miffed at this holiday right now as it's the huge time block in the way of us receiving our consulate appointment and therefore our travel invitation. While I'm impatient with the holiday, I also realize it is a great and important way to connect with our son's culture and heritage, therefore I pinned a lot of my heart on this celebration today. I was hoping that it would help me feel connected to our kiddo and revive me a little from the restlessness I'm feeling during our time in, yet another, limbo during our adoption process.

Well, a series of events that involved a botched Craigslist deal, a fritzy cell phone and ill-timed Facebook messages left us high and dry on our New Year celebration. By the time we got all the kinks ironed out in our plans the parties had passed without us.

Ironically, the two events coincided in such a way that I really couldn't be MAD about it, which is how I'd like to have responded. I could only be undeniably disappointed. What a horrible feeling. I don't know if you really know what it's like to feel pure disappointment, without anger, or fear, or guilt, or anything else. Just disappointment. It's a rough feeling. One that doesn't leave you feeling mature or enlightened. I felt exactly like my 4 year old daughter when she said, "Oh, Mom, I really wanted to go to that party." All I could say was, "I know, baby, me too."

We came home, unloaded and sat sulkily in the living room. When Tony came home, he could tell I was hurting. He didn't say anything he just handed me a note. It was so wonderful, and came with a very generous support donation, but the true gift was a sweet sentiment from someone who has known me nearly all my life. It was enough to make me break down.  I decided to retreat to our bedroom and gather myself, crying out to God to help me see the hope in the hurt today, thanking him for caring for us so deeply.

We then decided that instead of sitting around in disappointment we would celebrate together as a family. Tony found a Chinese restaurant that we have never been to and we gathered a small segment of our awesome family and headed out. Admittedly, I was incredulous about Tony's choice (Yelp reviews were pretty mixed) but as we entered through the doors we ran into one of our oldest son's school friends who was there to celebrate the New Year with the Chinese Association of Iowa. Perfect!

Our family came, we ate together, we celebrated and laughed and truly enjoyed ourselves. Our kids ate egg rolls and sugar donuts and so much jello I think they'll jiggle in their sleep! It was truly a celebration of our son and his culture and our family.

My favorite thing of all happened toward the end of our dinner, however. Our son's friend came over to our table with her mom in tow and quietly wished our kids a Happy New Year and gave them little red envelopes with a dollar inside. I'm not sure our kids grasped the symbolism of friendship and luck this little girl was giving them. In Chinese culture red envelopes are given to family and friends in celebration of the holiday and as a sign of good fortune. There was so much wrapped up in this one act for me that my heart overflowed.

I realize that our day did not go as planned. It was not what I had in mind for this day. It was not the best day I've ever had, but I hope I will remember it. I hope I will remember that when days are hard I have a choice. When days are hard, I can walk into my disappointment, own it, feel it, and give it to God. When days are hard, I can have hope. Disappointment does not get the last word. Fatigue does not have to stop Celebration. This day turned out pretty great. Probably better than what I'd planned. I'm glad I had a moment. A catching of my breath. A releasing of tears. Most of all I'm glad I celebrated.

Happy New Year!